Should I get eggs? Plus other decisions I’ve made

I’m standing in the self-checkout line, there’s roughly eight or nine people in front of me. I gently place my grocery basket on the speckled floor, it’s pretty heavy. The hard plastic handle leaves a red streak on my palm. I eye my basket’s contents while I wait in line; a couple tomatoes, three under ripe bananas, a red mesh bag full of onions… wait, I think, should I get eggs?

I imagine the muffins I bought last week, lounging in my fridge and waiting to be eaten. I decide that I don’t need the eggs. Though thoughts of spinach and feta omelettes make me rethink my decision. I look up at the line ahead of me, I count three people… and now two. It’s too late, I’m already too close to checkout. I leave the grocery store and walk to the bus stop, squinting to look at the bus times, “7 minutes”, it reads.

Damn, I should have just gotten some eggs.

Everyday, we are faced with hundreds of decisions to make. Should I get eggs? Do I show up to class? What will I have for lunch? Some of these decisions are easier to make than others.

Earlier this year, I found myself stuck in a wedge. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to pursue a four month exchange in Sydney, or accept a job offer in Vancouver for the summer. Due to their overlapping schedules, I couldn’t do both. Not knowing what I wanted, I accepted the job offer and continued preparing for my exchange departure, giving myself about three weeks of leeway before I needed to cut one of the two off.

During this three week period, I acted the most indecisive I had ever been. I’d wake up one morning, confidently announce (to my friends over text) that I was going to Australia. For the rest of the day, I’d scour the internet, looking for the best beaches in Sydney while admiring pictures of wide-eyed kangaroos. I’d repick and adjust my exchange courses with such detail and obsession, it was as if I were a grandmaster rearranging a chess board, looking for all the possible moves.

The next morning, dread would fill me. I’d imagine the myriad of things that could go wrong if I went to Australia; crippling loneliness, $3000/month rent, family crisis, etc. While my excitement for traveling vanished, it was easily replaced with the anticipation of starting a new job. I felt ready to be thrown into a vibrant work environment where I had the opportunity to meet new people and grow. Deep down, I also felt comforted, knowing that I’d work in Vancouver where I’d still be able to hangout and see my friends.

A major factor that contributed to much of my anxiety during this indecisive period was the external pressures I felt for both options. I emailed someone I knew who had gone to Australia for exchange earlier that year, asking for advice. They told me that, “exchange is kind of a once in a lifetime thing” and “I made so many great friends I can’t stress how much I recommend it.”

I thanked them for sharing their input with me. But their story, plus the many others found on the internet, contributed to my growing deposit of fear that I would miss out on these ‘once in a lifetime’ experiences.

Additionally, I felt like it would be very irresponsible of me to turn down the job I was offered. Last summer, I applied to around 80 full time jobs posted on my faculty’s co-op portal and got rejected by every single one. I was worried that if I turned this job down, in the future, this would happen again. Also pressured by my parents' nudgings, I felt like I had to work since it was the better long term and financially responsible decision.

How did I end up choosing what to do?

I chose the path that allowed me to have the greatest peace of mind.

I have no idea if I made the “right” or “wrong” decision but I sleep peacefully throughout the night and am without regrets.

I knew that pursuing one of these two paths was very anxiety inducing for me, so I avoided the option that made me feel as if I was living on a foundation of sand.

As I wrap things up, there is one more thing I’d like to share. In the memoir, Everything I Know About Love, Dolly Alderton talks about how it is an ‘unhealthy fantasy’ to imagine parallel plotlines of your life if different decisions or outcomes occurred. There is no ‘you’ that made an alternate decision three years ago. The life that you have now is the only one that exists.

I like to keep Dolly Alderton’s words in mind as I find they help keep me grounded when I start feeling regretful or distressed about past decisions.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. I hope that today, you enjoy moments of happiness and peace of mind.

Oh, and if you’re considering getting eggs for groceries this week, just get them.